Bleak Hesitations
by Taintless
Summary: Severus Snape has some serious decisions to make, in death and beyond...


It was all over.

Severus Snape collapsed on to the ground. It was over. The ground was wet but not cold under his cheek. His robes seemed very heavy all of sudden.

Potter had killed Voldemort at last. Potter had done what Severus had never thought he could do. The prophecy had been fulfilled and, at that one moment, Severus had looked upon the boy, not as his father, as a hero. The young man who had saved the whole Wizarding World.

No Slytherins were there. For a minute, through his neutrality, he felt a disappointment surge through his chest. Why weren't they here? Where were they? Had they all done the stereotypical thing and gone join Voldemort?

The Gryffindors were all there, every single one of them. Potter was just looking around, dazedly, as if in a dream. The War was still happening; no body yet had seemed to notice the Dark Lord's body, just another body among the others now. He was now nothing special, nothing powerful, he was just… dead. Murdered by the Boy-Who-Lived. Completely and utterly conquered.

Dumbledore was fighting Lucius. But it seemed like the old man was tiring. Lucius was definitely winning. Dumbledore had been fighting since midnight last night but Lucius had just joined the fight an hour ago.

The Weasleys were all around him. He could see all their red heads. The two twins, Merlin, he had despised them. Yet here they were, faces serious and indrawn, fighting not laughing, saving peoples lives not irritating them. Could it be possible that the Weasley twins had matured? Realised there was something more valuable than pranks? It certainly seemed so.

Bill Weasley was fighting as well. The only Weasley he had ever had a pinch of respect for. Severus watched him trash the Death Eater, with magic not with the typical Weasley strength.

Although it did seem that Weasley strength had its advantages as well, Severus observed. He couldn't deny the bleak pleasure he felt watching McNair being beaten into a pulp by Ronald Weasley.

And it was a pity Ginny Weasley hadn't shown so much enthusiasm for Potions as she did, sitting on Bellatrix and slapping her in the face, because she could have made a rather good Potions-Maker.

He felt hands turn him around suddenly so his was looking into the dark, cloudy sky rather than the ground. His vision swayed for a minute and then he saw Hermione Granger's worried, frantic face. Saw her hands, covered his blood, which he was just realising was his…

What had happened?

Oh yes, he'd just revealed himself as the man he was, a sneaky spy. Voldemort had roared something and Wormtail had skittered forward, brandishing something long and sharp.

"KILL HIM!" Voldemort had roared, just as Wormtail plunged the dagger through his chest.

But Severus hadn't died. He'd fought for a long time, hadn't he? Or maybe it hadn't been that long. He'd certainly took his time revealing himself, making sure he'd given all the information he could to Dumbledore.

He'd killed Wormtail. He'd gotten to kill one of the young men that had ruined his early life. He'd held on to his grudge and that was what had made this kill a little better than all the others…

His mind was going completely off the point, which was very unlike his normal state. Miss Granger was yelling at him, her eyes panicky and unfocused. Severus realised that that must mean he was dieing. After everything the girl had seen, only the death of her professor would unnerve her.

He tried to push the foolish girl away and realised he couldn't move.

"Professor Snape! Professor Snape! Professor Snape!"

A flash from a wand threw her from his vision. She was gone. He stared up into the sky, dark and grey, and prepared himself for death…

The last thing he heard was the screams.

The Slytherins had come, but they were not on the side of the light.

Where was he?

He was standing before a bridge. Mist hung around but, if he looked close enough into it, he could see flashes into his own life.

Over the bridge, forms were emerging. When he saw who it was, he had to control himself.

It was Sirius Black.

"Hello Snape," Black said. He didn't come any closer. The bridge looked unsteady.

"Am I dead?" Severus asked calmly.

"Nearly." Black smiled at him grimly before saying, "Listen up, Snape, because I don't want to repeat this. I stood in the spot you did just a little while ago and I went on because I had nothing left to do on earth anymore. I knew I could look after Harry from up here, better than I could down there, and I knew I could find peace at last. James and Lily came to me."

Severus was just realising what the shapes behind Sirius were. They were all the people he had known, who were dead. His father, his mother. They stood still and silent, not welcoming, just as they had been in life. A lot of people who stood there were people he had killed.

"I had lived a good life, Snape. Not a fully angelic one. I did bad things. I drank too much. I cared too much for my looks. I used to steal money from my parents. I bullied you and I had no right to. No matter how much of a git you were, I was a git too and I didn't have any right.

"But I never did kill anyone, Snape, and I got accepted in here. But you're view of good and bad is mixed up, Snape."

"This is what we do with bad people, Severus," Lily Potter said, standing up out of the shadows. "This is what happened. They get sent back. To a new life or to their old one. You get a second chance, but you don't get a third. You can go back, Severus, but you will have to make amends. Life won't be as it was before."

"I- I will go back," Severus said.

"You've tried before to be good," James Potter said, "and it hasn't worked. We've watched and we'll watch again. _Everyone_ will be watching."

Severus nodded.

"So, you must start now," Black said, drawing himself up, smiling. There was a moment of silence and then he held out his hand, as an offering.

James and Lily held up their hands too, once Severus had made the first step on to the bridge. It creaked and rattled.

Severus looked into the faces of his former enemies and saw things with a clarity he'd never possessed before. They were dead now and he could forget. They had been cruel to him, yes, and he'd been just as cruel to him. Things were not always black and white, not even humans.

He shook Sirius's hand, then Lily's and then James's.

Grudges were forgotten.

Just as he let go off James's hand, the bridge broke.

Severus woke up.

Madam Pomfrey stood over him. Her face was pale and tired, but happy. "I thought you were dead!" she gasped. "I-I tried everything and then, then you finally started reacting!" Her eyes were bright.

He lay there, too stunned to move.

It had all been a dream, then?

He sat up and looked at the many bodies thrown around the room. Most were alive. Some were dead. The dead were lying on the beds, the alive on pillows on the ground. The Hospital Wing had never held so many people.

Madam Pomfrey rushed away to deal with someone else in pain.

It had all been a dream.

"No! Madam Pomfrey! Please – you, you have to do something!" A voice, full of anguish, echoed through the room. There he saw Harry Potter, voice broken, pain possessing his whole countenance.

"Harry-" Ginny Weasley tried to grip on to his arm. She was crying, real heart felt tears racked her body but, like always, she was putting other people's pain before her own. Severus had always seen it as her greatest weakness but now he saw it as a great talent.

He shoved her away from him. He shoved everyone away from him.

"I can't! No, not after everything!" Harry fled suddenly and no one ran after him. Severus saw suddenly, Harry had been blocking his vision, Hermione Granger's body, lying still and dead on a bed.

He suddenly remembered that the flash, the flash that had thrown her from his sight in his last moments, had been green…

Ron Weasley fell to his knees, put his big hands over his face, and hoarsely began to cry.

He was at her removal. Severus wasn't quite sure why, he only knew that he had seen her die and he wanted to see her rest.

She lay there, white and clean. White and good, he thought and seemed satisfied at that thought. A lot of people had changed through the war but not her. For that, he was glad.

It was a sad event. Severus stayed at the back so he could see nothing but people's heads but he knew everyone was sad.

He was sad. He hadn't been able to help her and he had been so close.

Severus realised that a part of him had changed.

At the end, when everyone was shaking hands with the family, he hesitated. He didn't know whether to go up or not.

But he realised it was the right thing to do.

He walked up and shook hands with her father and mother. They were Muggles but they seemed like nice people. Her mother was crying and her father was being very supportive, even though Severus, always a person observer, could see his heart was breaking inside.

He reached Ron Weasley. He shook the young man's hand and shook it with respect.

When he shook Harry's hand, he saw a flash of James, of himself shaking James's hand and he realised suddenly that it hadn't been a dream.

"I'm sorry," he said to Harry. He meant it for a lot of things, really.

He'd spent too much time leaving things unsaid. Maybe if he'd reached out to the Slytherins more, they wouldn't have attacked. He'd spent so long being a spy, keeping secrets, that he didn't know how to express the truth anymore. He'd spent so long training to keep his emotions unseen, that he didn't know what he felt anymore

Harry nodded.

"You really do look like your father," Severus said and his tone was not unpleasant.

Harry smiled.

Severus knew that this was his second chance. He would not blow it.

He shook Harry's hand.

And, for a brief minute, he just held on.

In the back of the church, he saw Dumbledore's knowing, supportivesmile.

* * *

_This is kind of a second part in Blissful Hesitations and is in response to a review I gotoff Duj :_

Who would greet Snape (or any other lonely unpopular person) in such a circumstance?

There's a Jewish dictum that "You can earn Heaven in a single moment" - but what sort of Heaven would you find and would you be able to appreciate it?

_I don't think there's a hell, really. You just have to keep on living, until you get it right. But how many changes to do you get? I'd say two or three, but I don't know. Anyway, it's just a rough idea but what do you think?_


End file.
